Nurturing Spirituality in Children

Nurturing Spirituality in Children

Robert Coles, child psychiatrist and author of a number of books about children tells the story of Ruby Bridges, a six year old African American who said that when alone and threatened by screaming segregationists she found comfort in God, whom she saw smiling at her as she walked to school. Her mother told Coles that every night Ruby prayed for those in the mob who harassed her.

How would your child deal with a situation like Ruby’s or cope with the death of a beloved grandparent or make sense of events like September 11th ?


According to psychologists Mimi Doe and Marsha Walch in their book “10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting” :

“We know more about nutrition than did past generations. We’ve identified learning disorders and new educational techniques. We give our children every advantage we can afford, and some we cannot. We organize, direct, enroll, coach and transport our children to and from lessons, games, practices, social events, doctor’s appointments, and schools. We are trying to be good parents and give our children all they need to develop into well-rounded and successful adults. We may, however, be missing the very core of our children’s being: their spirituality.”


I began to think about children and their spiritual development when I was teaching RE classes for the 3-5 year olds. I often wondered if I was doing anything beneficial other than entertaining them for an hour each Sunday. But perhaps, I thought, this was all they were able to do at that age. Are children under 14 or 15 capable of an inner spiritual life? After all we adults often have difficulty understanding the meaning of life and what is holy for us and we are on a perpetual spiritual journey.


Traditionally pre-adolescent children have been thought to be too self-centered and not able to process abstract concepts. They just absorb values and beliefs from their parents. But more recent research is showing that by the age of 4 or 5, children are intensely interested in the metaphysical -- right and wrong, good and evil, life and death and God.


Psychiatrists Edward Hoffman, author of Visions of Innocence and Robert Coles, author of The Spiritual Life of Children, conclude the same thing – children are involved in what they call meaning-making – making sense of their world -- from the time they become conscious of the distinction between themselves and their environment.


Other studies have found that “children have insights and experiences that leave them with a remarkable sense of certainty regarding human nature, morality and spiritual reality. This knowledge..[is}.. unrelated to and often inconsistent with what they were taught at home or in church and left lasting influences that shaped their lives.”


If children, even fairly young ones are capable of an inner spiritual life and it arises naturally, why do they need any help developing it? UU minister Jeanne Nieuwejaar in her book The Gift of Faith says because “We are a profoundly secular culture. The howls of materialism, alienation, speed, and greed are deafening” to point that cultural influences and peer examples supplant and diminish their innate spirituality.


What do we want for our children and how do we help them to achieve it? I read about an English public school, the Huntington school in York that believed that their pupils’ spiritual development is not only a faith responsibility but also a secular one because it is so closely connected to pupil’s moral, social and cultural development. They decided to find ways to assist their pupils’ spiritual growth within the secular school setting without crossing the divide between church and state. They defined their mission as the necessity to develop a sense of awe, wonder and delight in what is good and wonderful. They want their pupils to experience a feeling of transcendence, to search for a purpose in life, to develop knowledge of oneself and to examine one’s own experiences and those of others. By supporting their development of a spiritual …consciousness we are giving our children a message that helps them to relate in a loving way to the world so that they become the good stewards of the future world.


How do we do that? Edward Hoffman proposes 5 ways to encourage your child’s spirituality in everyday life; Doe and Walch offer 10 principles for spiritual parenting and the Huntington school describe 6 avenues of spiritual development. I have grouped these ideas into Hoffman’s five to make it easy to remember just 5 things. The “10 Principles” book provides a lot of ideas and activities to assist parents including insight building exercises. I will leave it and “ The Gift of Faith” in the RE library for anyone that would like to read them .


Hoffman’s first principle advises parents to actively expose children to nature because when done in their early years it can have a profound effect on their spiritual development. From nature children learn that all life is connected . He says “ When children trust that all life is connected, they respect and appreciate themselves and the people around them. Kindness, empathy, compassion, and love grow from appreciation and respect.“


However, the materialism of our culture makes it difficult for us and our children to maintain our connection to the natural universe. You can see this happening as children get older and their time becomes full of school, friends, lessons, TV, video games,.


Nieuwejaar says “ I have a book whose title conveys its message “Teacher, the Geranium on the window sill died and you just kept on talking” She says “We need an attitude that permits us to heed the plant that died, the seed that sprouted, the fragrance of the night, the cloud that turns a miraculous shade of amethyst, the man who cries, or the fingers that tremble.” My grandson’s second word was Moon – he loves the moon – it seems like it thinks it is a miraculous thing. My goal is to keep it that way.


Doe and Walch offer a number of ideas to reinforce a child’s connection to nature including some you probably already do – planting gardens, taking care of a pet, taking walks in the woods. Keep children aware of the changing of the seasons and the rhythms of nature. Incorporate regular nature-celebrating rituals into your life, Things like having an autumn family festival, a party to celebrate the first snow, a solstice bonfire. They tell a story how one family honors the earth’s gifts of flowers by celebrating the Native American flower moon every year. The family gathers flower petals, dandelion chains, glitter, and spritzer of lavender and read simple poems outside in the evening. Encourage quiet focused times with your children so they may hear birds singing and the wind blowing through trees.

Out of a feeling of connection evolves service to others. As children develop empathy and compassion for all in the universe, responsibility and service to others is the next natural step. The Huntington school requires students to work for others in the community. Robert Coles advocates community service as part of American school curriculums. He feels that it is a natural human impulse that unfortunately a lot of us lose in the family, and in the schools. “We learn to elbow our way to the top; ignoring people to the right and left of us all the time – this in the name of education. We become people who get all A’s but flunk ordinary living.”


LISTEN! Listening to your child as fully as possible is the second principle. Coles and Hoffman relate stories of people who have had profound spiritual experiences during their early years, yet, they say they had no one with whom to share them. “Simply finding adequate words to describe and express the spiritual is impossible even for adults. In their innocence young children may try to communicate, but if they are not heard and honored, will soon begin to guard these feelings against the laughter of the world.” One study found that “by the age of 10 children knew it was taboo to refer to spiritual subjects in public because of the ridicule they were be subjected to by peers.”


All the authors I read recommend reserving some time each day to hear about joys, triumphs and frustrations.[Joys and Concerns] Nieuwejaar proposes using this time to reflect on the same 3 things every day:

1. something from the day which you each are thankful for

2. something from the day that you each are sorry for

3. something you each intend for tomorrow.

By sharing with your child they learn to feel safe and to be open. If you have a child that does not respond to artificial “let’s sit and talk now” situations, try an “art time” and let each of you draw pictures or do crafts while sitting together and talking together.

The third principle is Affirm your child’s imagination and sense of wonder. Imagination is a vital tool for inner development. When we celebrate the wonder of each day, life becomes exciting and rich, and our children remember. Hoffman believes that you should make sure and praise and give importance to your children’s fantasy and imaginative play. 10 Principles book provides many ideas on adding magic to ordinary events like watching a storm approaching with your child on the porch, have a picnic one night indoors, play imaginary games, dress-up, acting out ideas and don’t forget to read ( not Disney always) fairy tales and myths with your child.

Children especially like secret places (tents, snow forts, tree houses) and secret boxes. And what about imaginary friends? They may be ways for children to try out different personas and find ways to express powerful feelings.

Huntington School emphasizes the creative arts in their curriculum – listening to and composing music, dancing, creating artwork of all kinds as well as creative writing. This way children can express feelings and thoughts that are inexpressible in words.

One mother wrote “ When my daughter was five she created this incredible dance one night after dinner. She called it “eagle of the West: and it was very powerful. She dimmed the lights to perform in semidarkness. Her movements were prayerful, hands together, than arms outstretched to indicate wings. She used stillness dramatically. The whole thing was about an eagle and the sun and it was so sad. I never knew she had this kind of thing inside her.”


The fourth principle is to maintain regular rituals in your home even if you do not embrace a formal religion. These rituals will be the meaningful expressions of your own spirituality that encourage your child’s expressions. Someone once said, “ritual can help us to sense holiness, or the possibility of holiness, in the familiar.” They can be as simple as lighting candles or blessing the food at dinner. These family rituals and celebrations turn the ordinary into the extraordinary. We have talked about “mindfulness” or being aware of what is happening at the moment. Celebrating the ordinary is a way of doing this.


Doe and Walch ideas include developing your own yearly holidays - like celebrating the change of seasons, declares the first Friday of each month a good-luck day in your family. A simple thing that appeals to children is to make a regular ritual of toasting – acknowledge and applaud each other. Some religions have a ritual of blessing their homes when they move in – you could compose a home blessing ceremony with your children. Burn candles, select a special rock, read something special, burn sage to clear out negative energy, play music and invite friends. How many here have a chalice at home that they light regularly or some special spiritual objects displayed?


The fifth principle says to encourage your child to share his or her dreams with you. If you show a genuine interest in your child’s dreams, he or she will learn to value them. This will help build their self-confidence and create an optimistic approach to life and builds their self-confidence. Our encouragement helps give children the assurance they need to remain persistent and get through setbacks. If children’s dreams, wishes and hopes are accepted and encouraged they will share them and eventually believe in the possibility of achieving them.


You may have noted that none of the 5 ways to nurture children’s spirituality included anything about a religious community or bringing them to Sunday school. A little girl asked her parents, as they drove to church “What do we get at church? At the library we get books; at the bank we get money; at the grocery store we get milk. What do we get at church?”

Jean Nieuwejaar, the UU minister, describes a number of reasons why a faith community has an important role to play. As children evolve as spiritual beings the faith community gives them support, structure and a sacred space. It provides a loving group to explore thoughts with, share moments of compassion and delight with, and to celebrate with. She feels that immersion in a religious community also provides support for parents. It helps them to clarify and articulate their own beliefs so they are better able to express them to their children. At church children will be exposed to relationships with different generations and different types of people and hopefully new challenges.


Nurturing your child’s spirituality by listening to them, exposing them to nature, helping them expand their imagination, encouraging their dreams and celebrating with them is a gift you can give them that will last their entire lives. In fact, This could be the most precious legacy you leave your children.


Closing Words – Robert Coles


So it is we connect with one another, move in and out of one another’s lives, teach and heal and affirm one another, across space and time – all of us wanderers, explorers, adventurers, stragglers and ramblers, sometimes tramps or vagabonds, even fugitives, but now and then pilgrims: as children, as parents, as old ones about to take that final step, to enter that territory whose character none of us here ever knows. Yet how young we are when we start wondering about it all, the nature of the journey and of the final destination.