FORGIVENESS: Why and How, 16 steps.
I do not recall forgiveness being mentioned in graduate school, either in psychology or in marriage and family therapy. But soon afterwards I began to discover while working with many persons and couples, that anger, hurt, resentment and the ability to forgive were key issues. What I have been discovering also with my corporate clients, is that, no matter how much leadership or management training they have had, the key competency that all still lack is conflict resolution and the ability to deal effectively with anger. Furthermore, without those skills, productivity gets sabotaged. So I have been developing materials, teaching courses and completing several books.
[Note: since writing this I have published a book Win-Win Finesse: The Art of Dealing Positively with Negative Feelings. This method was taught at an OPA workshop in 2004. For reviews see www.winwinfinesse.com.]
Very few people know how to apologize, while fewer still know how to accept an apology. Since we are human and make mistakes, an important skill is knowing how to apologize. Four rules are recommended: 1) as soon as possible. The longer you wait the harder it is because the more you can imagine ways your apology might be turned against you. 2) Be specific about the behavior you are apologizing for, not like a Washington politician: "If I did anything wrong..." Rather "When you...when I...I did not think... take time... etc. describing the specific behavior; 3) Tell your feelings about the event and your feelings now. "I am embarrassed to think about how thoughtless that was..." and 4) Tell how that is not like your usual or typical behavior, so you end by affirming yourself.
Secondly, when accepting an apology: Do not say: I am glad you finally see your mistake, or It’s about time, or I am still hurting... and other shoot-from-the-hip statements that aggravate the tension. So, if you can honestly do so, either simply "okay, let’s get on with our work (life, relationship, whatever), or better, "I am sorry for my part also."
A good definition of forgiveness, adapted from psychologist Robert Enright is "giving up the resentment to which you feel entitled, and offering to the persons who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled."
Those who refuse to forgive carry the "ghost" of the hurtful person and give away their own power to this held and sometimes nourished memory. Without doubt, those with whom one chooses to remain angry will continue to control one, even when and particularly when one denies this is so. Those who have not resolved conflicts with family members will carry that garbage into their current relationships even though they may be blind to the fact. I have seen it repeatedly. Whatever is repressed is bound to be repeated. Freud was right on this.
I know someone who is alert to discover the two-facedness of others, and ready to discover "duplicity." The root problem is that she has never faced her own extensive duplicity in a certain relationship. Because she cannot face it in herself, she must see it out there in others in order to reject it safely out there. What is repressed is always projected unto others, where it can be safely disdained, and one’s own guilt ignored.
I was a consultant to several therapeutic communities in the federal prison system. Those who were most filled with resentment were the most stuck and the least able to change. It was as if they looked out at the world through "piss-colored" glasses. They were ready to be "pissed" and even sought for occasions to do so. The fault-finding allowed them to refuse to look at their own attitudes and continue rationalizing any and all anti-social behavior.
Many ordinary people because they do not possess good conflict resolution skills have a tendency to sulk, that is, engage in a kind of "emotional blackmail": I will feel bad until . . .or look for and collect small "neglects" and presumed injustices. Resentment limits one’s emotional, physical and spiritual development.
Behind such attitudes are eight myths:
1) forgiving is the same as forgetting. 3) forgiving is the same as condoning; 3) forgiving is the same as reconciling or compromising, 4) forgiving makes you weak; 5) forgiving is an act or a decision; 5) forgiving makes you more vulnerable to the same or another person; 7) forgiving depends upon the instigator acknowledging the wrongful behavior; and 8) fairness requires that the person to be forgiven make the first move. All of these are common misconceptions, and none of them are true.
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. One will never forget some things, but this does not mean you need to dwell on it. Forgiving is not the same as excusing or condoning or compromising, because you are not pretending that the behavior did not happen or that it did not hurt. Forgiving does not in fact require reconciling, although that may be an ultimate desirable outcome. Forgiving does not make you weak because it requires personal courage and actually makes you stronger and a better person.
Forgiving is not merely an act--it is an act and a process. It begins with an act but some forgiving may take a long time. If the hurt is from a family member or a personal betrayal, forgiving may need prayer and a lot of it. The last myth or misconception is the greatest impasse. Most feel that they cannot forgive until the other has made some move to recognize the harm done. This is not true. Forgiveness has nothing to do with fairness. The other may not recognize the misstep or be too proud to admit the harm, so this admission is not essential for healing.
Forgiving is 100% the responsibility of the injured party because it is only your own behavior that you can control. The most important truth here is that forgiving is for your own sake, even if the other does not ask for forgiveness or admit any wrong. It is for your health, your wellness and future openness to life. You are choosing to be loving rather than spiteful.
People who nurture revenge are liable to increased heart rate and blood pressure. A study at Harvard School of Public Health found that men who scored highest on an anger scale were three times more likely to develop heart disease over a seven year period than low scorers. These negative outcomes from "held-anger" have been repeated in other studies. It seems plausible that those who forgave were less depressed and anxious, slept better, and were free from obsessive thoughts and also from revenge fantasies. When you give up holding a grudge, something new happens not only to your body but your spirit.
The Law of Expectations is an absolute law of human behavior. Whatever attitude we bring to a situation we will find evidence to support. Ken Keyes noted that we create the world in which we live: "The world tends to be your mirror. A peaceful person lives in a peaceful world. An angry person creates an angry world. ..An unfriendly persons should not be surprised when he/she meets only people who sooner or late respond in an unfriendly way." quoted in Love, Not Fear.
About eight years ago I developed a handout listing steps necessary for forgiveness, and added one more in 1994. Here they are with an update:
1. Accept that the present situation is not a happy one for you, and that if there is to be any change, you alone must make it first. Further, that you have no direct control over the other's thinking, feeling or behavior.
2.. Recognize that our feelings DO NOT arise from what happened, but from our view of what happened, that is, the frame we put around the event. Therefore we own the trigger for our upset. We alone own the trigger, even when we most would like to put the blame on the other.
3. Consider the benefits of sitting on pity porch and reviewing one’s reasons to feel sad, or mad or whatever. There are many benefits: one does not have to risk changing, one has a place of sweet melancholy sadness one can indulge in, one can return to a sense of being a victim of something, of life, fate, whatever. Those who have a hard time forgiving will not change anything until they examine all the fringe benefits they receive by not forgiving. Consider at least the free rent you are offering in your mind to painful thoughts...free rent!
4. Remember that you are an imperfect human being: blind to yourself & not knowing it. You are probably more self-centered than you can ever see yourself. We all are. You had some part in whatever happened. Your halo was probably off-kilter some way. The easiest thing in the world is to blame. Recognize that there are great differences in perceptions, that we are blind to how we impact others, and that we all tend to idealize ourselves
5. Some expression of your anger or hurt to someone may be either useful or necessary for the process to get started well. The listener does not need to be the offending person but should be one who can truly empathize yet be objective, not just agree with you, but also challenge you to re-frame it!
6. Realize that forgiveness is for YOUR sake, that holding on to resentments is more hurtful to you than anyone else. It keeps you from living fully in the present--the only moment in which we can live peacefully and free of the past negatives.
7. Understand that holding a grudge can give you a secret power and sense of superiority over others. Dwelling or sucking on hurt or pain can make one feel quite "special." Many persons actually prefer holding on to resentments because of the hidden "fringe benefits" or payoffs. Examine what your possible pay-offs may be: t
he victim or martyr role offers diverse benefits. List some!
8. Examine whether the good points of the other person outweigh their faults even though you feel you were treated badly. Reflect upon this: "Will you feel better or become a better person by trying to improve the relationship?"
9. Comprehend that forgiving is NOT forgetting or condoning. "Because I can't forget I can't forgive" is an alibi & not true, that forgiving begins simply with a decision not to dwell or suck on the hurt. The key is to keep refusing to ruminate. This is a decision that may need to be made repeatedly, for as often as necessary, "seventy times seven"..."Forgive us as we forgive..." Forgiveness is really a process, some hurts are actually so painful and so deep that they may need years of soaking in prayer.
10. Be aware that forgiveness is, believe it or not, 100% your responsibility, and that you DO NOT really need the other person to admit that they were wrong. Waiting until they admit wrong keeps YOU stuck in the past. Many crucify themselves between two thieves of regret (or resentment) and guilt, then believe that others or the "world" has done it to them.
11. Be willing to learn whatever is helpful or necessary to leave the past to the past. There are some psychological techniques...Be willing to discover what your own hidden compulsion is. Address your own interpersonal impact, with some serious self-study.
12. For the person of some Christian belief, deep, profound hurts from a close family member may take regular, sustained prayer even for a long period of time, in order to forgive. Our wounded ego or hurt pride may not yield except through divine grace, and persistent effort in bringing my will into God's loving kindness. Some hurts are so deep that they require patient prayer and time to heal.
13. For the Buddhist, the remedy is the regular practice of meditation, mindfulness, letting go of attachments, the discerning that suffering is an inevitable part of human life, and the attainment of compassion for all creatures. Attachment to one's own views is seen as the source of all pain.
14. If you have the courage, seeking feedback from the other person can be an occasion for considerable increase in self-awareness, some insight and possible reconciliation. Begin by saying: "I'm sorry for my part..."
15. Regardless of whether the other person responds or changes, the final step is to keep on willing love and goodness to them, wishing the best for them. This may at times require nothing short of heroic effort that can be sustained only by grace.
16. Recognize finally that the world in which we live is not fair nor orderly, nor peaceful for most people. It often chaotic and fairness does not prevail this side of heaven. We are not even born fairly, equitably. "Fair is a county carnival–it comes once a year." Further, "every good person deserves an enemy." (Put that in your pipe and smoke it!)
Several final notes: the hardest part of forgiveness is often self-forgiveness. We find it very hard to forgive ourselves for those times when we were gullible, blind, or allowed the darker angels of our nature to prevail in specific instances. An interesting book is Why Smart People Do Dumb Things. Each of us has an amazing capacity to sabotage ourselves and our talents, gifts, careers and relationships. Two observations can help. First, whatever choices are made, we and others have selected some "good," even if an apparent good that can be seen as wrong a minute, hour or year later. The human will only chooses good, even if it is apparent good. Thus when we end up choosing wrongly or some evil, it is done blindly. "Father, forgive them, for they KNOW NOT what they do." The book just mentioned is an eye-opener: why truly smart people do really dumb things. Secondly, simply recognize that we are only human, imperfect, unfinished persons, and that at least God, if we have faith, loves us in our very incompleteness, warts and all.
For more on self-sabotage see my articles on Understanding the Human Shadow, or visit the weblog: The Human Shadow: Discovering. A book completed in 2001, title Hidden Lions, is also complete on how this works in everyday life at work. It was taught at Midway College as Pitfalls in Leadership. A few copies are available before we begin a revision.
Paschal’s other articles (one or two page handouts) related to this subject are: Guide for Dealing with Your Own Anger; Ready Guide for Dealing with Angry People; Passive-Aggressive Anger; Caring Confrontation; You Don’t Fight Fair! How to Fight Fair (DISC Temperament differences) Four Basic Hidden Patterns in Stress/conflict; Embracing Criticism; Helpful Feedback: Criteria for Giving; Seven Steps for Conflict Resolution; How Men and Women Drive Each Other crazy, and several others on the human shadow. Ask for list of 220 handouts developed for clients, counselors and trainers in human relations. He has also developed two training modules: Ten Cardinal Rules for Dealing with Angry Clients, Citizens, and Teammates, and Conflict Resolution Skills for teams. These are sold with permission to copy and use in your own setting.
Paschal Baute, 4080 Lofgren Court, Lexington, KY 40509-9520, tel 859-293-5302, Email pbbaute@paschalbaute.com
© Paschal Baute, 1993, 1998, 2005. This may be copied for personal use. If duplicated please notify author and give appropriate attribution.
[Note: since writing this I have published a book Win-Win Finesse: The Art of Dealing Positively with Negative Feelings. This method was taught at an OPA workshop in 2004. For reviews see www.winwinfinesse.com.]
Very few people know how to apologize, while fewer still know how to accept an apology. Since we are human and make mistakes, an important skill is knowing how to apologize. Four rules are recommended: 1) as soon as possible. The longer you wait the harder it is because the more you can imagine ways your apology might be turned against you. 2) Be specific about the behavior you are apologizing for, not like a Washington politician: "If I did anything wrong..." Rather "When you...when I...I did not think... take time... etc. describing the specific behavior; 3) Tell your feelings about the event and your feelings now. "I am embarrassed to think about how thoughtless that was..." and 4) Tell how that is not like your usual or typical behavior, so you end by affirming yourself.
Secondly, when accepting an apology: Do not say: I am glad you finally see your mistake, or It’s about time, or I am still hurting... and other shoot-from-the-hip statements that aggravate the tension. So, if you can honestly do so, either simply "okay, let’s get on with our work (life, relationship, whatever), or better, "I am sorry for my part also."
A good definition of forgiveness, adapted from psychologist Robert Enright is "giving up the resentment to which you feel entitled, and offering to the persons who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled."
Those who refuse to forgive carry the "ghost" of the hurtful person and give away their own power to this held and sometimes nourished memory. Without doubt, those with whom one chooses to remain angry will continue to control one, even when and particularly when one denies this is so. Those who have not resolved conflicts with family members will carry that garbage into their current relationships even though they may be blind to the fact. I have seen it repeatedly. Whatever is repressed is bound to be repeated. Freud was right on this.
I know someone who is alert to discover the two-facedness of others, and ready to discover "duplicity." The root problem is that she has never faced her own extensive duplicity in a certain relationship. Because she cannot face it in herself, she must see it out there in others in order to reject it safely out there. What is repressed is always projected unto others, where it can be safely disdained, and one’s own guilt ignored.
I was a consultant to several therapeutic communities in the federal prison system. Those who were most filled with resentment were the most stuck and the least able to change. It was as if they looked out at the world through "piss-colored" glasses. They were ready to be "pissed" and even sought for occasions to do so. The fault-finding allowed them to refuse to look at their own attitudes and continue rationalizing any and all anti-social behavior.
Many ordinary people because they do not possess good conflict resolution skills have a tendency to sulk, that is, engage in a kind of "emotional blackmail": I will feel bad until . . .or look for and collect small "neglects" and presumed injustices. Resentment limits one’s emotional, physical and spiritual development.
Behind such attitudes are eight myths:
1) forgiving is the same as forgetting. 3) forgiving is the same as condoning; 3) forgiving is the same as reconciling or compromising, 4) forgiving makes you weak; 5) forgiving is an act or a decision; 5) forgiving makes you more vulnerable to the same or another person; 7) forgiving depends upon the instigator acknowledging the wrongful behavior; and 8) fairness requires that the person to be forgiven make the first move. All of these are common misconceptions, and none of them are true.
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. One will never forget some things, but this does not mean you need to dwell on it. Forgiving is not the same as excusing or condoning or compromising, because you are not pretending that the behavior did not happen or that it did not hurt. Forgiving does not in fact require reconciling, although that may be an ultimate desirable outcome. Forgiving does not make you weak because it requires personal courage and actually makes you stronger and a better person.
Forgiving is not merely an act--it is an act and a process. It begins with an act but some forgiving may take a long time. If the hurt is from a family member or a personal betrayal, forgiving may need prayer and a lot of it. The last myth or misconception is the greatest impasse. Most feel that they cannot forgive until the other has made some move to recognize the harm done. This is not true. Forgiveness has nothing to do with fairness. The other may not recognize the misstep or be too proud to admit the harm, so this admission is not essential for healing.
Forgiving is 100% the responsibility of the injured party because it is only your own behavior that you can control. The most important truth here is that forgiving is for your own sake, even if the other does not ask for forgiveness or admit any wrong. It is for your health, your wellness and future openness to life. You are choosing to be loving rather than spiteful.
People who nurture revenge are liable to increased heart rate and blood pressure. A study at Harvard School of Public Health found that men who scored highest on an anger scale were three times more likely to develop heart disease over a seven year period than low scorers. These negative outcomes from "held-anger" have been repeated in other studies. It seems plausible that those who forgave were less depressed and anxious, slept better, and were free from obsessive thoughts and also from revenge fantasies. When you give up holding a grudge, something new happens not only to your body but your spirit.
The Law of Expectations is an absolute law of human behavior. Whatever attitude we bring to a situation we will find evidence to support. Ken Keyes noted that we create the world in which we live: "The world tends to be your mirror. A peaceful person lives in a peaceful world. An angry person creates an angry world. ..An unfriendly persons should not be surprised when he/she meets only people who sooner or late respond in an unfriendly way." quoted in Love, Not Fear.
About eight years ago I developed a handout listing steps necessary for forgiveness, and added one more in 1994. Here they are with an update:
1. Accept that the present situation is not a happy one for you, and that if there is to be any change, you alone must make it first. Further, that you have no direct control over the other's thinking, feeling or behavior.
2.. Recognize that our feelings DO NOT arise from what happened, but from our view of what happened, that is, the frame we put around the event. Therefore we own the trigger for our upset. We alone own the trigger, even when we most would like to put the blame on the other.
3. Consider the benefits of sitting on pity porch and reviewing one’s reasons to feel sad, or mad or whatever. There are many benefits: one does not have to risk changing, one has a place of sweet melancholy sadness one can indulge in, one can return to a sense of being a victim of something, of life, fate, whatever. Those who have a hard time forgiving will not change anything until they examine all the fringe benefits they receive by not forgiving. Consider at least the free rent you are offering in your mind to painful thoughts...free rent!
4. Remember that you are an imperfect human being: blind to yourself & not knowing it. You are probably more self-centered than you can ever see yourself. We all are. You had some part in whatever happened. Your halo was probably off-kilter some way. The easiest thing in the world is to blame. Recognize that there are great differences in perceptions, that we are blind to how we impact others, and that we all tend to idealize ourselves
5. Some expression of your anger or hurt to someone may be either useful or necessary for the process to get started well. The listener does not need to be the offending person but should be one who can truly empathize yet be objective, not just agree with you, but also challenge you to re-frame it!
6. Realize that forgiveness is for YOUR sake, that holding on to resentments is more hurtful to you than anyone else. It keeps you from living fully in the present--the only moment in which we can live peacefully and free of the past negatives.
7. Understand that holding a grudge can give you a secret power and sense of superiority over others. Dwelling or sucking on hurt or pain can make one feel quite "special." Many persons actually prefer holding on to resentments because of the hidden "fringe benefits" or payoffs. Examine what your possible pay-offs may be: t
he victim or martyr role offers diverse benefits. List some!
8. Examine whether the good points of the other person outweigh their faults even though you feel you were treated badly. Reflect upon this: "Will you feel better or become a better person by trying to improve the relationship?"
9. Comprehend that forgiving is NOT forgetting or condoning. "Because I can't forget I can't forgive" is an alibi & not true, that forgiving begins simply with a decision not to dwell or suck on the hurt. The key is to keep refusing to ruminate. This is a decision that may need to be made repeatedly, for as often as necessary, "seventy times seven"..."Forgive us as we forgive..." Forgiveness is really a process, some hurts are actually so painful and so deep that they may need years of soaking in prayer.
10. Be aware that forgiveness is, believe it or not, 100% your responsibility, and that you DO NOT really need the other person to admit that they were wrong. Waiting until they admit wrong keeps YOU stuck in the past. Many crucify themselves between two thieves of regret (or resentment) and guilt, then believe that others or the "world" has done it to them.
11. Be willing to learn whatever is helpful or necessary to leave the past to the past. There are some psychological techniques...Be willing to discover what your own hidden compulsion is. Address your own interpersonal impact, with some serious self-study.
12. For the person of some Christian belief, deep, profound hurts from a close family member may take regular, sustained prayer even for a long period of time, in order to forgive. Our wounded ego or hurt pride may not yield except through divine grace, and persistent effort in bringing my will into God's loving kindness. Some hurts are so deep that they require patient prayer and time to heal.
13. For the Buddhist, the remedy is the regular practice of meditation, mindfulness, letting go of attachments, the discerning that suffering is an inevitable part of human life, and the attainment of compassion for all creatures. Attachment to one's own views is seen as the source of all pain.
14. If you have the courage, seeking feedback from the other person can be an occasion for considerable increase in self-awareness, some insight and possible reconciliation. Begin by saying: "I'm sorry for my part..."
15. Regardless of whether the other person responds or changes, the final step is to keep on willing love and goodness to them, wishing the best for them. This may at times require nothing short of heroic effort that can be sustained only by grace.
16. Recognize finally that the world in which we live is not fair nor orderly, nor peaceful for most people. It often chaotic and fairness does not prevail this side of heaven. We are not even born fairly, equitably. "Fair is a county carnival–it comes once a year." Further, "every good person deserves an enemy." (Put that in your pipe and smoke it!)
Several final notes: the hardest part of forgiveness is often self-forgiveness. We find it very hard to forgive ourselves for those times when we were gullible, blind, or allowed the darker angels of our nature to prevail in specific instances. An interesting book is Why Smart People Do Dumb Things. Each of us has an amazing capacity to sabotage ourselves and our talents, gifts, careers and relationships. Two observations can help. First, whatever choices are made, we and others have selected some "good," even if an apparent good that can be seen as wrong a minute, hour or year later. The human will only chooses good, even if it is apparent good. Thus when we end up choosing wrongly or some evil, it is done blindly. "Father, forgive them, for they KNOW NOT what they do." The book just mentioned is an eye-opener: why truly smart people do really dumb things. Secondly, simply recognize that we are only human, imperfect, unfinished persons, and that at least God, if we have faith, loves us in our very incompleteness, warts and all.
For more on self-sabotage see my articles on Understanding the Human Shadow, or visit the weblog: The Human Shadow: Discovering. A book completed in 2001, title Hidden Lions, is also complete on how this works in everyday life at work. It was taught at Midway College as Pitfalls in Leadership. A few copies are available before we begin a revision.
Paschal’s other articles (one or two page handouts) related to this subject are: Guide for Dealing with Your Own Anger; Ready Guide for Dealing with Angry People; Passive-Aggressive Anger; Caring Confrontation; You Don’t Fight Fair! How to Fight Fair (DISC Temperament differences) Four Basic Hidden Patterns in Stress/conflict; Embracing Criticism; Helpful Feedback: Criteria for Giving; Seven Steps for Conflict Resolution; How Men and Women Drive Each Other crazy, and several others on the human shadow. Ask for list of 220 handouts developed for clients, counselors and trainers in human relations. He has also developed two training modules: Ten Cardinal Rules for Dealing with Angry Clients, Citizens, and Teammates, and Conflict Resolution Skills for teams. These are sold with permission to copy and use in your own setting.
Paschal Baute, 4080 Lofgren Court, Lexington, KY 40509-9520, tel 859-293-5302, Email pbbaute@paschalbaute.com
© Paschal Baute, 1993, 1998, 2005. This may be copied for personal use. If duplicated please notify author and give appropriate attribution.
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